Take a Deetour

"I write to find out what I think." - Joan Didion

Monday, August 21, 2006

Homesick?

“Homesickness is. . . absolutely nothing. Fifty percent of the people in the world are homesick all the time. You don't really long for another country. You long for something in yourself that you don't have, or haven't been able to find.” - John Cheever

It's ironic I finally came home just as National Day celebrations were building to a fever pitch. As Singaporeans waved their little red-and-white flags and sang jubilant, nationalistic songs, I found myself familiarly indifferent. Detached. I haven't bubbled over with patriotic pride since I was a school kid singing, "One people, one nation, one Singapore...", so the indifference didn't surprise me much. But what did surprise me was how accutely homesick I felt, despite actually being, well, HOME.

I deliberately shut down the head & heart so I could cope with jumping straight back into rehearsals/ work/ being bridesmaid. I deliberately chose not to allow myself to process being away for the last 5 months. And I deliberately conducted emo erasure to avoid having to deal with settling back here.

Until now.

The emotional switches are slowly coming back on, but I'm not capable of articulating what's going inside yet. I will make these observations though:

  • Nothing on the radio or TV has changed - same songs, same shows - it's like I never left.

  • I have, though. Changed, that is. And being stuck between these 2 worlds is weird & surreal. And cliched.

  • Plunging Straight into Work + Killer Jet Lag = Extremely Anti-Social Behaviour. I haven't spoken properly to good friends yet and some people still don't know I'm back. Am making half-hearted attempt to feel remorseful.

  • Relief is going at least 3 times a day after 5 months of constipated travelling!

  • I ate a block of cheddar cheese and 4 tofu puffs today.

  • My 3-year-old niece speaks at least 3 times more than she did before I left and tells me she loves me everyday - yay!

  • I lost 5kgs whilst I was away - double yay!

  • I can still put on the glitter, false eyelashes and fishnets effortlessly.

  • MY. BODY. HAS. BEEN. REJECTING. BEER. Whaaaaat?!!! Expected, I guess, after being a teetotaller for the last 5 months.

  • I like Tim Tams and espresso (the parental units have purchased a spanking new machine that serves eye-poppingly good Illy coffee. Am telling everyone I know how to enjoy Tim Tam Slams.

  • Am trying to rid self of verbal habits. Especially using the word "awesome!" every 2 seconds.

  • Please don't ask me how I am. The answer is, for now, "I REALLY DON'T KNOW."
  • 0 humps in my highway:

    humps in my highway

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