Take a Deetour

"I write to find out what I think." - Joan Didion

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Miss Contrary


It feels like I've drunk more in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last year previously. Could it be overcompensation for, what in my mind is, a very long (impending) hiatus from any form of partying and booze? My mind is my greatest enemy these days. And even upon recognising this, what does the girl do first thing through the front door after a night out? 1 large serving of Tiger Beer sorbet. Oh, and a cup of tea - as if it negates the night's activities in any way.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Seeing Red

Today has been a surreal day of exertion & exploration. I feel like I've just returned from a quest of mystical proportions. Probably because it’s beyond my comprehension how I let myself get talked into going in the first place. Miss D has plumbed the depths of dementia by plunging head first into the bewildering chaos known as the Heartland - all in hopes of purchasing a plastic stool. Yes, you read me. PLASTIC. STOOL.

The mothership had foot surgery this morning and needs a cheap, waterproof seat in the bath. Filial offspring that I am, I set off on said brave quest. Plastic stool? No problem. I was sure I’d find something simple. Tasteful. Grey. That’s when the problems began. Clementi Central was the first stop. Amid the uncles spitting out blender demos in Hokkien and the 10-bras-for-$20 sales, I stumbled upon XXXX Enterprise, which was next to YYYY Enterprise, which in turn was next to ZZZZ Enterprise, and found what I was looking for. Thinking to myself, “What an enterprising lot these shopkeepers are”, I noticed the stools only came in red. Pounding the scorching pavements and scouring the shops of Clementi, it finally dawned on me that stools only came in two styles. Red and plastic.

Now, red and plastic are, in all probability, the worst combination since shoulder pads and bubble skirts, headbands and teased fringes, Liza Minelli and David Guest… Unless of course, you’re into fetish gear. But please understand, we’re talking stools here! Stools that would in no way match the parentals' black and yellow bathroom. Ironically, the half-dozen or so coffee shops surrounding me were filled with the exact grey plastic stools I needed. Undefeated, I drove to Ghim Moh only to find the same red plastic situation going on there. Defeated at last, I handed over $10 and brought the offending plastic posterior propper home to mom, where it’s been doing its job. Fugly-ly.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Deereeshus!

I'm still terrified, but coming round to the idea of going away, I guess...

Quick, any distraction is welcome... so I went surfing and found an oldie but goodie. Engrish at its finest:
I'd like a Number 69, please!

Then on my travels in Reykjavik last September, I found this at a little (exhorbitantly priced) cafe - I highly recommend the Number 68 (salty!):

Monday, February 13, 2006

Baaaaaaaaaaa

I'm Going!
I'm Going!
I'm Going!
And I'm BLOODY TERRIFIED!

New Zealand looms... I leave in less than two weeks & six months of my life hangs in the balance.

Why is it when you want something soooo much, you totally don't want it when you finally get it?

Humour hasn't eluded us yet, though.

Breaking the news to D, he remarks sarkily: Wah, so you're going to the countryside to learn about Jesus??!

Me: Hahahaha, if you want to put it that way (I call it a spiritual/ humanitarian retreat - everybody needs a timeout for soul food).

D: So how? You gonna come back a nun?

Me: Whaaat?! Protestants don't become nuns.

D: Ok, a Pastor then.

Me: ???

D: Although with you going to New Zealand, you'll probably come back a Pasture!


To quote JG, "MEH!"

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Wicked Waste of Time

{Via} If only it was this simple, to have your levels of goodness and evilness reduced to a mere formula! Because if there was a formula for this, then there'd be a formula for being gooder.

This Month so far:
This site is certified 28% EVIL by the GematriculatorThis site is certified 72% GOOD by the Gematriculator

Last Month:
This site is certified 33% EVIL by the GematriculatorThis site is certified 67% GOOD by the Gematriculator

Compared to a year ago when this blog started:
This site is certified 37% EVIL by the GematriculatorThis site is certified 63% GOOD by the Gematriculator

Ah, I see a slight improvement - 4% increase in goodness? I'll take it!

How wicked are you?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I Wouldn't Call My Family Melodramatic


It was a very slow day at the office...

G says: (4:06:32 PM)
our horoscopes say we should go into business this year. rabbits and goats.


D says: (4:06:53 PM)
wahahahahaha. but i don't believe in horoscopes.

G says: (4:07:07 PM)
neither do i. unless it's good.


D says: (4:07:12 PM)
We can go into business anytime. Not just this year!

G says: (4:07:17 PM)
hahahahahah. chinese zodiac ok?!

G says: (4:07:22 PM)
and we are chinese!


D says: (4:07:41 PM)
oh my gosh! I'm Chinese????!!!!!!! gulp! gasp!

G says: (4:07:51 PM)
yes


D says: (4:07:51 PM)
and wait- YOU'RE chinese too?????!!!!

D says: (4:07:58 PM)
when did u find out?????!!!!

G says: (4:08:00 PM)
sorry to break it to you that way

G says: (4:08:04 PM)
it's hard i know

G says: (4:08:06 PM)
but....

G says: (4:08:07 PM)
well....

G says: (4:08:12 PM)
erm....


D says: (4:08:34 PM)
do my parents know?

G says: (4:08:42 PM)
well....


D says: (4:08:46 PM)
do YOUR parents know? how will i break it to them?

G says: (4:09:01 PM)
i think they have been trying to find the right moment to tell you all these years.. sigh


D says: (4:11:08 PM)
u mean...

D says: (4:11:13 PM)
*sob*

G says: (4:11:23 PM)
there there, don't take it too hard


D says: (4:11:28 PM)
they've known all this time?

D says: (4:11:43 PM)
hang on - that means you've known all this time!!!

D says: (4:11:50 PM)
and u never told me????

D says: (4:12:05 PM)
waaaaaahhhhhhhhh! i feel so betrayed!

G says: (4:15:10 PM)
i am sorry you had to learn it like this

G says: (4:15:14 PM)
but yes

G says: (4:15:17 PM)
WE ARE ALL CHINESE

G says: (4:15:22 PM)
the whole entire family


D says: (4:17:20 PM)
AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. SAY IT ISN'T SOOOOOOOOOOOO! Chinese????? what will the neighbours say?

Monday, February 06, 2006

Says It All, Doesn't It?


How will you be defined in the dictionary?


Deetourguide --

[noun]:

An alien


Highly unsatisfactory, so I tried...


My Real First Name --

[noun]:

A real life muppet


WTF?! What if I add...


My Real First Name + Last Name --

[adjective]:

Fuzzy to the touch


In futile last ditch attempt, she whips out her full name...


My Real First Name + Last Name + Chinese Name --

[noun]:

A person who enjoys the smell of rotten eggs




I like the smell of poo, wee and dog's feet too. Sniff Sniff.

Wonder what they're called?