Take a Deetour

"I write to find out what I think." - Joan Didion

Friday, January 27, 2006

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Will someone help me out of this conundrum already?!

What's with the sweetie-darling-muah-muah air-kiss thing? I don't ever get it right. Is it once on the cheek? Twice on both cheeks? Right cheek or left first? Three times allegedly like the French?

Obviously my kissing karma is not up to scratch because there's always that awkward moment when the person you greet only wants to kiss you once, but you lunge for their other cheek, bump faces and there's that awful, awkward moment. Or you pull away but they want to kiss your other cheek.

It all seems a tad trite and pretentious, but hey, so is life here in general. Why can't people leave off the European affectations and just give each other vigorous hand-shakes or hearty slaps on the back?

But OK, back to this air-kiss epidemic - I've tried committing to it, even if they pull away after the first muah, grab them and finish what you started - never hesitate, plough through the awkward should-I-should-I-not moment! But then again, I'm so not that kind of girl. I'm the kind of girl who wonders what kind of oily facial secretions are going to end up on my face. I'm the kind of girl who hates PDAs with strangers, or worse, people I don't like.

But then again, I don't ever get it right with friends either. It's neurotic, I agree, but I've tried keeping track of which friend air kisses in what way:

A. starts with right cheek and only once.
B. likes it wet and juicy on both cheeks.
C. pecks you on the lips (Arrggh!!! Another bloody spanner in the works!)
D. grabs your head and smacks you four times.
E. doesn't like being touched (I like your style, E!)

Oh, yes. Me. In any case this little experiment failed. Because none of my friends are constant with their labial affections (or is it infections?).

One day, they kiss me once, the next it's twice, then next time, they chock me with the old peck-on-the-lips routine. Why can't everyone just settle on one way and be done with it? Am feeling like the only geek who doesn't synch with anyone else. Is it too much to ask for an air-kiss SOP? It'd make social situations so much easier.

It could look like this:

Chapter One
1. Air-kisses are permitted only between consenting parties.
2. ALWAYS begin with the other person's right cheek.
3. Each air-kiss may only be performed for a maximum of 2 seconds.
4. Limit air-kisses to 2 per person, unless you are French, in which case please ensure that tongue remains stowed securely in mouth.

Although if it was up to me, I'd add these:
5. Do not air-kiss unless initiated by Ms. D.
6. Good-looking male specimens, however, may initiate anytime & in anyway they like.
7. Before engaging in air-kissing, a thorough face (no sweat, grease or acne, please) & breath (minty is the way to go) check is mandatory.

Glad to know other people have pondered this wondrous pratice of germ-mingling: lost in translation & savvy traveller.

Oh, and in honour of today's post-title, and in my best Shirley Bassey voice, PRRRRRESENTINNNNNG THE PRRRREMIERRRRR JAMES BONNNNND WEBSITE!!!

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2 humps in my highway:

At 9:33 pm, Blogger JellyGirl said...

This happens to me all the time! I always commit major kissing faux pas - I either overkiss or underkiss...argh. There should definitely be a rulebook for this!

At 12:30 am, Anonymous Kelly said...

Hea hinnaga mööbel:


humps in my highway

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