Take a Deetour

"I write to find out what I think." - Joan Didion

Monday, October 10, 2005

Ear Wax


It's done.
Finished.
All out.

And I feel at least 20 pounds lighter.

Decision-making is never fun (esp. when your future is involved) for a ditherer like moi, but all is resolved.
Learning to say "NO" is the hardest lesson I'm having to learn and I think I'm still at grade school level.
Learning to not care what other people think as a result of your saying "NO" is even harder for someone who's been a people-pleaser all her life. Believe me, it's hard when you have bitchy producer on the other end of the line saying, "Well, you only get to say no once to me, honey!". Who says that sort of thing anyway?! He may as well have added, 'You'll never work in this town again!" for extra effect.
But that's exactly what I said. N-O. Then followed that up with profuse apologies. Twice, to different potential employers (See? Loooong way to go!). But still, a no's a NO.
It's difficult to believe I did it. Relief didn't come immediately, unless blubbering and flapping arms around for 10 minutes counts as relief, but relief is what I feel now. Peace that I've made the right decisions.

I call it divine intervention. And along the way, I've learnt a lot about myself and what I want. Miss Non-commital has realised the value of committing to a choice and sticking with it. But I don't have to like it! It's been a continual struggle and I suspect it'll always be (maybe in lesser and lesser degrees, hopefully). I've lived so much of my life in the past and comparing myself to what I was, I need to look forward with no regrets.

But from today's and Friday's NO sessions, this control freak may just be learning to unclench her butt muscles a smidge.

And the angels sent to nudge me along?
  • She provided the rah-rahs. Thanks for turning my idea of an eeww-logy into something closer to an eulogy! And for the jasmin ball tea, hand-holding & straight-talking.

  • She provided the soul support. "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears." Seemingly bleak lyrics, but know this: we share the same fears, the same struggles & even though we feel stuck, HOPE is the promise. Look forward and upward, girl!



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