Take a Deetour

"I write to find out what I think." - Joan Didion

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Yeah, But No, But Yeah, But No, But...

i'm committed to suck.com
I've had a lot of time in recent weeks for self-examination (no new lumps in the chestage, whoo hoo), and have come to several realisations. Realisations, I say, but no conclusions. I don't want to fall into the psycho-analysis trap, but what is this crazy fear of commitment?

Really, I look around me, and see I can't make immediate, decisive choices to complete anything. That is, if I even make it past actually deciding to start something.

My bags and drawers are full of lipsticks and lipglosses that are almost or half-full. I can never stick to one tube till it's all used-up before buying another.

I have a strange aversion toward built-in furniture - give me moveable stuff, things that aren't super-glued, nailed down or fixed in one place.

I've stood in countless car parks with friends, unable to make decisions about where to eat or drink.

And I know what it is - it's the staggering myriad of other choices, the what-if's, maybes, better-than-thises that distract me and cloud my judgement. Am I choosing right? What if I make the wrong decision? What if I can't undo what I've done? What if something better comes along? What if I change my mind? What if other people change their minds?

There's something deplorable about laying down of roots. Something too permanent, too final, too forever... And so I wander, I dream, I wonder...

Yet being in the moment, going with the flow, are all phrases that are too flakey for me. However, stuck in limbo is not a good thing either.

I guess I'm realising things about myself I don't like very much. But knowing realising doesn't exactly translate into believing or changing. Knowing I'm afraid of commitment, yet realising the spontaneous person I thought I was is no more - I don't actually enjoy surprises I can't control - doesn't make me feel any better about my situation. Probably worse.

Self-awareness can be such a bitch.

Maybe I can't commit because it means having to acknowledge that this is the only life I have and I have to live it.

From as far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be someone, something, somewhere that I'm not.

But it's wasteful to hanker after things unless you make the decision to go after it and make it happen.

And it's ungrateful not to acknowledge the good things in your life. It's misplaced discontentment. And stubborn unwillingless to make the necessary changes.

Vicky Pollard sez, "This fing wot you know nuffin about."

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3 humps in my highway:

At 7:56 am, Blogger brunomon said...

If i ever become a bich, i want to call myself Self-awareness.
- Hi, I'm Self-awareness, what's your name?

At 9:07 pm, Anonymous siaodingdang said...

Naan-sense, my dear. It's good to have choices. Choices allows you to choose to commit.

At 12:57 am, Blogger Deetourguide said...

Brunomon: Woof-woof to u, she-dog! :0) Thanks for stopping by.

SDD: I just remembered, YOU are what you pun!


humps in my highway

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